Time

To make good my words on losing some inches, I bought a pair of running shoes (read: ukay-ukay). I thought it was going to be hell finding the right pair and price. Tag along your best bud with you and you will have a blast (she bought herself 4 pairs and she couldn't complain).

Right after, we went to Chinito's in Camins. I wanted to eat some Hungarian sausages! Chinito's serves their Hungarian sausage either with rice or mojos. It also comes with a macaroni salad and some buttered veggies. Mine was with rice (2 cups) and Toni's, mojos of course. And almost always, the macaroni salad is left untouched. We also added an order of Buffalo wings which is a staple when we go eat there. And for dessert? Death by chocolate! You guys should try it. It's served with some caramel sauce. The cake itself is food for the gods! The moist inside portions were warm and the best chocolate I ever had in a cake! Not too sweet, not too bitter (I am literally salivating right now).

It was wonderful, my night last night. I got to spend time with my best friend. I never knew I'd miss her that much. Good thing her beau is in Cebu. Peace Arns and some hugs for you...

I hope this is not that late in the year

It's a Friday. The last day of our midterm week. This means that I will have loads and loads of paper to check. That's very tiring. Because I will be looking at, well, close to 300 flowcharts and close to 200 functions written in C++! I'm not worried though, as I am used to this. I hate that feeling. Being used to doing something. Sucks up all the excitement and adventure in this jungle called the ACADEME!

As it turns out, this is my first post for the year. If you will allow me, I'd love to look back at my 2010. So many things happened in 2010. Let's see...

• Went to Camiguin (June. I have promised myself to do this once a year, travel alone)

• Visited Cebu six times (twice in February, March, April, June and October)
• Went to see the tarsiers and chocolate hills in Bohol (February)

• Boarded the space shuttle at EK with my old friends (October)
• Tagaytay escapade still with old friends (October)
• Walked most parts of La Mesa Park while a typhoon was wrecking havoc over the Metro (October)
• Had an amazing breakfast at the Waterfront Hotel Davao (September)
  
• Went to Boracay (October), for the first time!
• 

• Went Island hopping in Caramoan (November. PRECIOUS!)
• Visited two orphanages (one in Cebu last October, one in Zamboanga, December)
• Visited the Pediatric Ward of the Zamboanga City Medical Center
• Donated blood (talk about civic duty)

Wow! I am amazed. Most of those are charity trips, and I am all too happy about that!

2010 was a year filled with travel. What is wonderful about this is I got to see old friends. Mae Supremo in Bohol, my college buddies in Cebu (Joy, Ayen, Lola Binks, Yowee, Yvette, Eric), Mama Dan Marie (salamat sa pizza) and Aena (salamat sa pagdala sakin sa meetup ng mga taga El-Bi) in Davao, Sir Jac Hermocilla and Mam Rizza in Boracay (of all places).

I was able to reconnect with them. I was reminded that friendship is a gift no matter how you look at it. That joy you feel when you see them after a really long time is just incredible. I am definitely going to Butuan this year to go and see Ate TJ and Ate Bing.

I had the most fabulous and wondrous time with Ate Gaye, Jutands, Lucman and Ate Iyang when we terrorized Ann Lucman's mansion! I really had a great time in EK, Laguna, Tagaytay, Hard Rock Cafe, La Mesa Park. And it was extra special because I was with all too familiar faces. I was with my friends. So don't mess with them or you will have to get friendly with people from hell! I'd gladly kill for them, figuratively or otherwise.

Yes, the Caramoan Islands are a sight to see. They become more enchanting though, if you are with people you care about. And I was more than glad that my Buday Jessica was there with me literally swimming the Islands of Caramoan. I miss my buday! You should have seen our faces when we went to the first island. We looked like some kids who accidentally saw Santa Claus putting wrapped gifts in stockings!


April was unbelievable! Kawasan Falls, Moal-Boal, Tops, AA's, Navi (yikes), Tika's wedding, Ate Iyang's wedding. It was the first time I traveled with my best friend Tonirose! It would be one of the first moments that will flash before my eyes the day I will die (Cleenex, please). If I could kill for my friends, imagine the things I will be capable of doing if you mess with Tonya!



And giving back. Thanking the almighty for the great year that it has been. And you know what's amazing about this, yes, I was with very dear friends (Ate Gaye, Jutands, Kuya Archie in Simala, Iggies 97 in Talon-Talon, Tonirose and John in the Pediatrics ward).

It wasn't all fun in 2010. I got my heart broken. You should have seen me. I was more than miserable. I was depressed and all that, yes. But I also became so mean to some people around me. I will never do that again for the sake of the people around and for my sake as well. I never thought I could do such things. I also got pawned when I childishly posted a frustration on my FB wall. It made me realize that I am human and that I make mistakes. I learned that I can humble myself and take full responsibility of what I do. I also learned that some cannot do this or at least is having some trouble with this.

And boy,was I a bitch! Rawr! I used to enjoy my workplace. That was until some people decided to make mediocrity their mantra! I leave this part with that, an exclamation point!

Then I made new friends just as 2010 was bidding goodbye. John Teodoro, Randy Jay Solis, Mark Cabil, Darwin De Lima and Randolph Tropezado, let's make December 2011 more fab than December 2010 (how are are we gonna top that?)!

So how do I see 2011? It's definitely going to be a year of reflection. Yes. It's definitely going to see a more responsible me. More mature. Change. Yes, that too. I am going to lose some inches here and there. Let's see if that's gonna get me out of this single "cursedness"!

Oh, I will now go back to checking midterm exams.

Hello, Are You There?

Where are you? I miss your smile.
I miss the way the full moon lights up your face.
I miss the way the sun kisses your skin.
I miss the way you rock the world with your laughter.

You used to be happy, REALly happy.
You used to dance under the rain and just let loose.
You used to swim and just let the waves carry you.
You used to love, love yourself dearly.

What happened?
Where are you?
What are you doing to yourself?
Why did you let this be?

Please come back.
Come back to me and make me free again.
Come back.
Come back to me and tell me that the world is not a scary place.
Tell me that it was never scary.

The raindrops are heavy on your shoulders.
The grains of sand are painful on your face.
The sunlight is burning your skin.

Hush now. Hush.

I am Back!!

I am definitely back! And I feel good about it. And I am feeling $o lucky today! Yeah baby!!

I Quit You

You have been making my day, all my days, for the last year. And I liked it that way. But I have to let go of this. It is not right. This is not right. I guess this is the only cure I know. It's true that bad days become the best when you are around. It is true that you make me smile before I finally close my eyes for a slumber late at night. But you see, you don't love me. You can't love me. It's not your fault. And it never was. This is the only cure for what I feel right now, when I wake up and open my eyes, squinting at the light coming from the rays of early morn sun. Too, squinting at the TRuTH.

And this is what makes this all the more painful, damn, you are my right kind of wrong.

Four Days

I gave Manong tricycle driver 40 pesos for my fare. That was a very quiet, and chaotic ride at the same time. He dropped me at Valderoza Street near the CAP building.

I walked a few meters towards where we were to meet. One leg was hesitant, the other more hesitant. One part of me was telling, more like ordering me, to just go back home. This other part, this annoying other part, was telling to see this one through. But I already decided to see this one through the moment I alighted from the tricycle. All there was left to do was to force those legs to go take those steps.

I suddenly felt the world was turning around me. I felt pressure going up through my head and I started seeing black spots. I took a pause, took a deep breath. My legs were shaking.

Surprisingly, I found myself peering, quite nervously, through the glass doors of the restaurant. I was relieved. I saw no familiar faces.

There was a couple, to my right, browsing the menu and a rather stocky crew waiting for their orders. The woman was probably in her early 30s, the guy, I was not so sure of. His back was facing me. She was wearing a white collared top, sleeveless with raffles outlined around the pearl button line from her neck to her chest.

"I'm here. Turn to your left," read the message from him.

It was loudest pound I've ever felt in my entire life. Pictures of him whispering in my ear, his left hand holding mine, leading it gently to the headboard kept flashing. Before I could hear what he was trying to say, I was back to my self, turned left and walked to him.

There was a glass of iced tea. A teapot and the smell of Twining's four red fruits. He stood up, walked to the chair opposite his and pulled it out for me. There was something in his smile. It was heavy, almost sad. "Hi, he--llo," he stuttered. I sat and he went back to his seat.

Before he could say anything, "Steve, this has got to stop. Your wedding is in four days. I can't have this right now, not anymore."

"Exactly, my wedding is in four days and I can't stop thinking that I am going to make this big mistake."

"You've dreamed for that day to come. She loves you and you adore her. And this is going to be the envy of the stars, remember?"

"After what happened last night, I knew seeing this through is going to be the biggest mistake that I'll ever do, and I can't make that mistake. I won't. I won't make us miserable for the ..."

"What happened last night, that was the mistake Steve. What happened ..." I froze, I just froze, literally.

"I will never hurt you." He whispered. His left hand was still holding mine. Both rested on the headboard.

I was myself again.

He was looking intently at me, as if he saw what just flashed before me. It was as though he heard himself whisper those words.

Reading

Reading is
fundametal
fundamettal
fundemutual
good.

I saw this on a shirt when I was in Cebu back in 2003. I fell in love with the shirt so I bought it. It was the first time in 4 years I wore that shirt yesterday. It was nostalgic.

Bye Steven

"Bye John," he said.
"Bye Steven," was all I could reply.

To him, it did not mean anything. That is what he always says when he leaves.
To me though, it was as if it was the end of the world. It was as if I'd never see him again. It was as if I'd never be able to talk with him. It was as if I never can reach out to him, again.

We were at a local bakeshop (that one that makes the best chocolate cakes in the city, the one near the boondocks). We were having cake and tea. And it was time for him to go, and time for me to go back to work.

It felt like it was our last tea together. I know it was our last tea together. And when he said "Bye," I knew very well that it was time to go too.

Tonight, you see, he is going to ask Margaux's parents for her hands (we call it pamamanhikan). They've been together for 3 years now, Margaux and Steven. And it was time, it was their time.

It was so innocent, his goodbye. Before that, he asked me to be his best man. And I didn't say no, I can't say no. I said I would be happy to. I said their story is going to be the envy of the stars. Then there was silence, awkward silence. He looked at me and I at him. He stood up, gave me a pat, looked at me one last time, smiled and said "Bye John."

The moment he said that, I knew it was no longer one of those I-felt-as-ifs. I really felt it. Tasted it. And it tasted like fresh blood and smelt of rust and ash.

************************
How could I see him, look at him? How could I talk to him, reach out to him? How could I care for him and love him when he is already half of this wonderful thing I had dreamed of us to be.

How could I, when I know the other half isn't me and will never be.

I know what will happen next

I was having this conversation with a friend thru text messages. We were talking about someone. Then she cautioned me to slow down. In my reply, I simply said that I know myself too well. No need to worry about anything. I said, I exactly know what will happen next.

I will fall. And i will realize that it can't happen. We can't happen. I'll cry. Then cry some more. All these with him not knowing anything.

At least I now know, too well actually, what my tear ducts are for. And damn! They never run out of tears.

These days, tears are the only thing that make me believe that I am still human.

I am hoping that one day, one random smile will make me believe that I am a human being, worthy.

Things Better Left Unsaid (Not a Part 2)

I talk a lot. I have a hard time zipping my mouth. Sometimes I become too frank that at times I become rude. And I tend to be honest. Especially with the people I care about, a lot.

So there, I said a few things I thought I should have. Unfortunate.

They say that some things are better left unsaid. I didn't believe in that.
Until we stopped. Until he stopped.

I knew then, when I wrote this, that there never will be a part 2. As much as I want it to have a sun-kissed, walk-hand-in-hand-by-the-sea-as-the-sun-sets part 2, it will never happen.

At least, I now know how it feels to be asked to join someone's table.

And I know it means nothing.