Lazy, Really Lazy, Friday

So, it was official. Work for today was suspended starting 12 noon. It was a lazy day anyway, to begin with. I had a class 9 am but came in late, 30 minutes late. In the one hour I had left, I was able to discuss, with excitement and enthusiasm, quicksort, counting sort and radix sort, their implementations and time complexities as well. I hoped my enthusiasm rubbed off on some of my students.  I mean, who can not get excited about counting sort? An unsorted list getting sorted without doing any comparisons at all (excluding, of course, the comparisons in the conditions that would eventually stop the iteration)! I had to insert radix sort lest I'd be accused of too much excitement over a sorting algorithm that is helpful only when the list is composed of 1 digit numbers!

See, it was a lazy morning.

I also had the battery of Maki replaced with a brand new one! This time, I no longer have any excuse to not drive Maki around (believe it or not, after seven months, I haven't overcome my fear of crashing into another vehicle). Sigh.

And I just slept the whole afternoon! I don't think anyone can go any lazier than that!

So here I am, writing an entry for my blog, after like an eternity, bored.  What to do, what to do?

Oh, it's Halloween night! Party it is!

(Bonkers! I forgot. I don't party. I hate partying. Pfffft!)

And I Love Myself Too

It has been more than 2 years since I last posted an article here. I've been meaning to write everything that comes to mind in this little corner of the cloud. But I've always managed to come up with reasons not to.

This is my first post for this year. Happy new year to all of us. I wish that all of us will have peace of mind this 2014. As for me, I wish more of the love and less of the suffering, if not absent.

I am going to move on this year. It's not going to be easy. I don't know how long it will take but I'll get there. I promise. You see, I have been holding on to a love that has been lost for a long time now. I have been holding on to something you never held on to and to something you'll never. I have let myself believe that you and I can be the envy of the stars. I have allowed myself to believe in a lie, the lie that is you.

So this year, I am going to cut the anchor that has been holding me down. I am cutting loose the anchor that is you.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate you. I have loved every single moment that I have spent with you. I have loved every single memory I have of you. I have loved every single time I have spent thinking of you. I love you.

But And I love myself too. I just have to learn to love myself more.

Long Day

It has been a really, really long day!

And it isn't over yet. I want to just dive in a pool filled with ice cubes and let it take all this away.

It isn't over yet. I'm starting to dread these words. Of course, by now you'd know I am no longer referring to my whining about this day taking too long already!

It isn't over yet. I don't want it to be over. Whatever it is. Whatever this is, I miss it.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. And just like this day, it will be a long one too. I pray though that by tomorrow's end, this will be over too. I have been locked long enough in this self-made cage.

Sigh.

Happiness

It was Monday. A holiday. And I didn't like what I was feeling. I cried. But I had to stop those tears from falling. I don't want to cry anymore. Why would I, I asked myself. I was looking for a book to read so I can take my mind off that feeling. And since most of the books I have at home tell stories of broken hearts and broken dreams, I digressed.

Instead, I started browsing the saved messages in my phone and found this: "The worthwhile and important things in life - wisdom and happiness in particular - are simply not the sorts of things one can chase after and grab. They are instead the sorts of things that come to us where we are, if we let them - if we stop trying too hard and just let things happen as they need to (saved August 15, 2010)." The last words struck me the most. Maybe I am just trying too hard. Maybe I should just let things happen as they need to. But then again, maybe it's never going to happen. I became more distraught after having read that passage. Because frankly, I do not know what to do anymore.

I have always told friends that happiness is a choice. I have always believed in this. But recently, those words have lost all their meaning to me. Is it too much to ask that I be happy too? I don't want to be lost, again.

A friend of mine sent me an e-mail last week and I only got to read it yesterday. What a perfect timing. I am sharing it with you guys. Here it is.

Effective Immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please, follow these 10 guidelines:

1. QUIT WORRYING:

Life has dealt you a blow and all

you do is sit and worry.

Have you forgotten that I am here to

take all your burdens

and carry them for you? Or do you

just enjoy fretting over

every little thing that comes your

way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:

Something needs done or taken care of.

Put it on the list.

No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-

list. Let ME be the one

to take care of the problem. I can't help

you until you turn

it over to Me. And although My to-do-list

is long, I am after

all...God. I can take care of anything you

put into My hands.

In fact, if the truth were ever really

known, I take care of a

lot of things for you that you never even

realize.

3. TRUST ME:

Once you've given your

burdens to Me, quit trying

to take

them back. Trust in Me.

Have the faith that I will

take care

of all your needs, your

problems and your trials.

Problems

with the kids? Put them on

My list. Problem with

finances?

Put it on My list. Problems

with your emotional roller

coaster?

For My sake, put it on My

list. I want to help you.

All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:

Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much

stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you

think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me

your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your

strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I

give you these problems back, you will be right back where

you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them.

Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:

I want you to forget a lot of things.

Forget what was making

you crazy. Forget the worry and the

fretting because you

know I'm in control. But there's one

thing I pray you never

forget. Please, don't forget to talk to Me

- OFTEN! I love YOU!

I want to hear your voice. I want you to

include Me in on the

things going on in your life. I want t

hear you talk about your

friends and family. Prayer is simply you

having a conversation

with Me. I want to be your dearest

friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:

I see a lot of things from up here that you can't

see from

where you are. Have faith in Me that I know

what I'm doing.

Trust Me, you wouldn't want the view from My

eyes. I will

continue to care for you, watch over you, and

meet your needs.

You only have to trust Me. Although I have a

much bigger task

than you, it seems as if you have so much

trouble just doing your simple part. How hard

can trust be?

7. SHARE:

You were taught to share when you were only two years old.

When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those

who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who

haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with

those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with

those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:

I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many

diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have

children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to

so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much.

How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer

than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in

My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the

entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always

rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND:

Be kind to others, for I love them

just as much as I love you.

They may not dress like you, or

talk like you, or live the same

way you do, but I still love you

all. Please try to get along,

for My sake. I created each of

you different in some way. It

would be too boring if you were

all identical.

10. LOVE YOURSELF:

As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself?

You were created by me for one reason only

-- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love.

Love Me.

Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart

ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong.

You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget......

What to do next?

Scraps: garbage or food that has been discarded.

Yes. Probably. Close. But worse.

At least scavengers enjoy garbage.

Like a poor man's dog, I was waiting. I wanted to be needed. I needed to be wanted. And so I endured what I was feeling then, when all this has started. I know I deserve something. I felt I deserved it, from him.

And right now, I know I've lost, everything. I can no longer stand the sad eyes that look back at me every time I face the mirror. I have ignored them for as long as I could.

No. Exactly. Here. Worst.

I am not worthy. I am nothing.

Time

To make good my words on losing some inches, I bought a pair of running shoes (read: ukay-ukay). I thought it was going to be hell finding the right pair and price. Tag along your best bud with you and you will have a blast (she bought herself 4 pairs and she couldn't complain).

Right after, we went to Chinito's in Camins. I wanted to eat some Hungarian sausages! Chinito's serves their Hungarian sausage either with rice or mojos. It also comes with a macaroni salad and some buttered veggies. Mine was with rice (2 cups) and Toni's, mojos of course. And almost always, the macaroni salad is left untouched. We also added an order of Buffalo wings which is a staple when we go eat there. And for dessert? Death by chocolate! You guys should try it. It's served with some caramel sauce. The cake itself is food for the gods! The moist inside portions were warm and the best chocolate I ever had in a cake! Not too sweet, not too bitter (I am literally salivating right now).

It was wonderful, my night last night. I got to spend time with my best friend. I never knew I'd miss her that much. Good thing her beau is in Cebu. Peace Arns and some hugs for you...

I hope this is not that late in the year

It's a Friday. The last day of our midterm week. This means that I will have loads and loads of paper to check. That's very tiring. Because I will be looking at, well, close to 300 flowcharts and close to 200 functions written in C++! I'm not worried though, as I am used to this. I hate that feeling. Being used to doing something. Sucks up all the excitement and adventure in this jungle called the ACADEME!

As it turns out, this is my first post for the year. If you will allow me, I'd love to look back at my 2010. So many things happened in 2010. Let's see...

• Went to Camiguin (June. I have promised myself to do this once a year, travel alone)

• Visited Cebu six times (twice in February, March, April, June and October)
• Went to see the tarsiers and chocolate hills in Bohol (February)

• Boarded the space shuttle at EK with my old friends (October)
• Tagaytay escapade still with old friends (October)
• Walked most parts of La Mesa Park while a typhoon was wrecking havoc over the Metro (October)
• Had an amazing breakfast at the Waterfront Hotel Davao (September)
  
• Went to Boracay (October), for the first time!
• 

• Went Island hopping in Caramoan (November. PRECIOUS!)
• Visited two orphanages (one in Cebu last October, one in Zamboanga, December)
• Visited the Pediatric Ward of the Zamboanga City Medical Center
• Donated blood (talk about civic duty)

Wow! I am amazed. Most of those are charity trips, and I am all too happy about that!

2010 was a year filled with travel. What is wonderful about this is I got to see old friends. Mae Supremo in Bohol, my college buddies in Cebu (Joy, Ayen, Lola Binks, Yowee, Yvette, Eric), Mama Dan Marie (salamat sa pizza) and Aena (salamat sa pagdala sakin sa meetup ng mga taga El-Bi) in Davao, Sir Jac Hermocilla and Mam Rizza in Boracay (of all places).

I was able to reconnect with them. I was reminded that friendship is a gift no matter how you look at it. That joy you feel when you see them after a really long time is just incredible. I am definitely going to Butuan this year to go and see Ate TJ and Ate Bing.

I had the most fabulous and wondrous time with Ate Gaye, Jutands, Lucman and Ate Iyang when we terrorized Ann Lucman's mansion! I really had a great time in EK, Laguna, Tagaytay, Hard Rock Cafe, La Mesa Park. And it was extra special because I was with all too familiar faces. I was with my friends. So don't mess with them or you will have to get friendly with people from hell! I'd gladly kill for them, figuratively or otherwise.

Yes, the Caramoan Islands are a sight to see. They become more enchanting though, if you are with people you care about. And I was more than glad that my Buday Jessica was there with me literally swimming the Islands of Caramoan. I miss my buday! You should have seen our faces when we went to the first island. We looked like some kids who accidentally saw Santa Claus putting wrapped gifts in stockings!


April was unbelievable! Kawasan Falls, Moal-Boal, Tops, AA's, Navi (yikes), Tika's wedding, Ate Iyang's wedding. It was the first time I traveled with my best friend Tonirose! It would be one of the first moments that will flash before my eyes the day I will die (Cleenex, please). If I could kill for my friends, imagine the things I will be capable of doing if you mess with Tonya!



And giving back. Thanking the almighty for the great year that it has been. And you know what's amazing about this, yes, I was with very dear friends (Ate Gaye, Jutands, Kuya Archie in Simala, Iggies 97 in Talon-Talon, Tonirose and John in the Pediatrics ward).

It wasn't all fun in 2010. I got my heart broken. You should have seen me. I was more than miserable. I was depressed and all that, yes. But I also became so mean to some people around me. I will never do that again for the sake of the people around and for my sake as well. I never thought I could do such things. I also got pawned when I childishly posted a frustration on my FB wall. It made me realize that I am human and that I make mistakes. I learned that I can humble myself and take full responsibility of what I do. I also learned that some cannot do this or at least is having some trouble with this.

And boy,was I a bitch! Rawr! I used to enjoy my workplace. That was until some people decided to make mediocrity their mantra! I leave this part with that, an exclamation point!

Then I made new friends just as 2010 was bidding goodbye. John Teodoro, Randy Jay Solis, Mark Cabil, Darwin De Lima and Randolph Tropezado, let's make December 2011 more fab than December 2010 (how are are we gonna top that?)!

So how do I see 2011? It's definitely going to be a year of reflection. Yes. It's definitely going to see a more responsible me. More mature. Change. Yes, that too. I am going to lose some inches here and there. Let's see if that's gonna get me out of this single "cursedness"!

Oh, I will now go back to checking midterm exams.

Hello, Are You There?

Where are you? I miss your smile.
I miss the way the full moon lights up your face.
I miss the way the sun kisses your skin.
I miss the way you rock the world with your laughter.

You used to be happy, REALly happy.
You used to dance under the rain and just let loose.
You used to swim and just let the waves carry you.
You used to love, love yourself dearly.

What happened?
Where are you?
What are you doing to yourself?
Why did you let this be?

Please come back.
Come back to me and make me free again.
Come back.
Come back to me and tell me that the world is not a scary place.
Tell me that it was never scary.

The raindrops are heavy on your shoulders.
The grains of sand are painful on your face.
The sunlight is burning your skin.

Hush now. Hush.

I am Back!!

I am definitely back! And I feel good about it. And I am feeling $o lucky today! Yeah baby!!

I Quit You

You have been making my day, all my days, for the last year. And I liked it that way. But I have to let go of this. It is not right. This is not right. I guess this is the only cure I know. It's true that bad days become the best when you are around. It is true that you make me smile before I finally close my eyes for a slumber late at night. But you see, you don't love me. You can't love me. It's not your fault. And it never was. This is the only cure for what I feel right now, when I wake up and open my eyes, squinting at the light coming from the rays of early morn sun. Too, squinting at the TRuTH.

And this is what makes this all the more painful, damn, you are my right kind of wrong.